Question

I hate life and I do not want to live. In the same time, I am afraid of death and I cannot dare to kill myself.

What should I do?

Answer

All praise be to Allah and peace be upon the Messenger of Allah, upon his family, his Companions, and those who follow him.

I ask Allah, the Lord of the Great Throne, to remove your worry, distress, and cure your heart completely without leaving any trace. I ask Him not to leave you depend on yourself or on any of His Creatures even for a twinkle of an eye.

I wish you had mentioned the reason which made you think of hating your life and losing the desire to live. The gate of the Most Gracious is still open before you, so beseech Him. Invoke Him saying: “O Allah! I am Your Servant, the daughter of Your Servant, the daughter of Your Maidservant. My forelock is in Your Hand, Your Judgment over me is assured, and Your Decree over me is just. I ask You by every name You have taken for Yourself, revealed in Your Book, taught to any of Your Creation, or that You have taken unto Yourself in the realm of the Unseen, to make the Qur’an the life of my heart, the light of my breast, the banisher of my sorrow, and the reliever of my despondency. There is no resort no escape from You except in You. Your Slaves are many but I have no master but You. I ask you as a poor person asks, beseech you as humble servant, and I invoke you as a blind afraid person does. I ask You as myself is subject to You, my nose is humiliated for You, my heart is humbled too, and my eyes flow tears for fear of You. Remove my distress, worry, and concerns, and forgive my future and past sins, what I declared of which and what I have not, and the things which You know better than me. Amen!”

Dear daughter, ponder over Allah’s Saying: “(They were reprieved) until, when the Messengers gave up hope and thought that they were denied (by their people), then came to them Our Help, and whomsoever We willed were rescued. And Our Punishment cannot be warded off from the people who are Mujrimûn (criminals, sinners, disbelievers, polytheists). * “Indeed in their stories, there is a lesson for men of understanding. It (the Qur’ân) is not a forged statement but a confirmation of (Allâh’s existing Books) which were before it [i.e. the Taurât (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel) and other Scriptures of Allâh] and a detailed explanation of everything and a guide and a Mercy for a people who believe.” [Surat Yusuf: 110 – 111] to realize that it is a steady fact that relief and victory come only from Allah and whenever hearts are directed to their Lord, relief and victory would be nearer than ever through the simplest reasons, for the entire matter belongs to Allah.

“And if Allah touches you with harm, none can remove it but He, and if He touches you with good, then He is Able to do all things.” [Surat Al An`am: 17].

Allah (Exalted be He) says: “And (He did forgive also) the three [who did not join the Tabuk expedition (whom the Prophet peace be upon him)] left (i.e. he did not give his judgement in their case, and their case was suspended for Allah’s Decision) till for them the earth, vast as it is, was straitened and their ownselves were straitened to them, and they perceived that there is no fleeing from Allah, and no refuge but with Him. Then, He accepted their repentance, that they might repent (unto Him). Verily, Allah is the One Who accepts repentance, Most Merciful.” [Surat At-Tawbah: 118]. He also said: “O you who believe! Remember Allah’s Favour to you, when there came against you hosts, and We sent against them a wind and forces that you saw not [i.e. troops of angels during the battle of AlAhzab (the Confederates)]. And Allah is Ever All Seer of what you do. * When they came upon you from above you and from below you, and when the eyes grew wild and the hearts reached to the throats, and you were harboring doubts about Allah. * There, the believers were tried and shaken with a mighty shaking.” [Surat Al Ahzab: 9 – 11].

These Ayahs and others embody the critical moments in the lives of messengers prior the moment in which the promise of Allah is achieved.

You ask where should you head to?

To Allah without hesitation or thinking, so recite the Glorious Qur’an carefully to know without mediation the terrible image of distress, concern, and worry in the lives of messengers when they faced disbelief, blindness, insistence, and denial.

Days passed while messengers were invoking Allah but He did not respond to them. Years pass while falsehood was still in its peak, with many followers, whereas the believers were few and their power was weak. Days passed while the messengers were waiting for the promise of Allah to come but the relief did not come until people doubted their prophethood.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) was himself in that terrible situation after distress, narrowness, and worry had possessed him; read the following Ayahs to feel that situation. “Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, “When (will come) the Help of Allâh?” Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allâh is near!” [Surat Al Baqarah: 214]. “Or do you think that you will enter Paradise before Allâh tests those of you who fought (in His Cause) and (also) tests those who are As-Sâbirûn (the patient)?” [Surat Al `Imran: 142].

Imagine that terrible situation in which the Prophet (peace be upon him) was and imagine his bad psychology in such moments. In that moment, the full victory comes decisive as Sayyed Qutb mentioned in his book.

There is no affliction, a distress, worry, or grief hits a believer but Allah expiates therewith his sins and raises his ranks, so observe patience for the reward of patience is huge and ponder over Allah’s Saying: “Say (O Muhammad peace be upon him): O My slaves who believe (in the Oneness of Allah Islamic Monotheism), be afraid of your Lord (Allah) and keep your duty to Him. Good is (the reward) for those who do good in this world, and Allah’s earth is spacious (so if you cannot worship Allah at a place, then go to another)! Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without reckoning.” [Surat Az-Zumar: 10]. And ponder over the saying of the Prophet (peace be upon him): “A believer is never stricken with discomfort, hardship, illness, grief or even with mental worry but his sins are expiated therewith.” [Reported by Muslim]. In other wordings: “Be moderate and stand firm in trouble that falls to the lot of a Muslim (as that) is an expiation for him; even stumbling on the path or the pricking of a thorn (are an expiation for him).” In Sahih Al Bukhari: “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.”

Here are glad tidings for you in the Divine Hadith which Imam Ahmad reported on the authority of Abu Razin Al `Uqayly that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah laughs at the despair of His Servant although He soon changes it. I said: O Messenger of Allah, does the Lord laugh? He said: Yes. I said: We shall never be deprived of good by a Lord Who laughs.”

See how this reasonable bedouin considered the laugh of the Lord (Glory be to Him) a proof to His Benevolence. This is a proof that the laughter of the Most Gracious is correlated by benevolence which indicates the qualities of perfection, and the person who does not laugh is dispraised.

The worldly affliction does not last but an hour of a day then it is replaced by joy and easiness as Allah (Exalted be He) said: “And so are the days (good and not so good), We give to men by turns.” [Surat Al `Imran: 140] and distress and worry shall become a memory.

As for killing oneself, it is not a way for salvation, but it is one of the major sins. It is not permissible for a Muslim to do it no matter the circumstances because it is killing to the soul which Allah commanded to be maintained.

Allah (may He be Exalted) says: “And do not kill yourselves (nor kill one another). Surely, Allâh is Most Merciful to you. * And whoever commits that through aggression and injustice, We shall cast him into the Fire, and that is easy for Allâh.” [Surat An-Nisa’: 29 – 30].

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Whoever kills himself with a piece of iron will have that iron in his hand, thrusting it into his belly in the Fire of Hell forever and ever. Whoever drinks poison and kills himself will be sipping it in the Fire of Hell forever and ever. Whoever throws himself down from a mountain and kills himself will be throwing himself down in the Fire of Hell forever and ever.” [Reported by Al Bukhari and Muslim].

The chaos which you have been through is the loss of hope in Allah until you fell in despair. Despair brings about slowness unlike hope which pushes a person forward, and degree of faith determines a person’s hope in Allah’s Mercy. Allah (Glory be to Him) said on the tongue of His Prophet Jacob after he had lost his son for decades then he lost his second son: “O my sons! Go you and enquire about Yûsuf (Joseph) and his brother, and never give up hope of Allâh’s Mercy. Certainly, no one despairs of Allâh’s Mercy, except the people who disbelieve.” [Surat Yusuf: 87]. He also said on the tongue of his Prophet Abraham: “[Ibrâhîm (Abraham)] said: “And who despairs of the Mercy of his Lord except those who are astray?”” [Surat Al Hijr: 56]. He also said: “Say (O Muhammad peace be upon him): Who rescues you from the darkness of the land and the sea (dangers like storms), when you call upon Him in humility and in secret (saying): If He (Allah) only saves us from this (danger), we shall truly be grateful. * Say (O Muhammad peace be upon him): Allah rescues you from it and from all (other) distresses, and yet you worship others besides Allah.” [Surat Al An`am: 63 – 64].

He also said: “Say: O ‘Ibâdî (My slaves) who have transgressed against themselves (by committing evil deeds and sins)! Despair not of the Mercy of Allâh: verily, Allâh forgives all sins. Truly He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” [Surat Az-Zumar: 53].

He also said: “And He it is Who sends down the rain after they have despaired, and spreads His Mercy. And He is the Walî (Helper, Supporter, Protector, Lord), the Worthy of all Praise.” [Surat Ash-Shura: 28].

He alone is the one who is capable of saving us from the concern, worry, sadness, and distress we feel.

So, do not give up to Satan, do not follow the calls of despair, and do not lock yourself in a narrow prison of despair while you still have the whole life ahead. Be strong and open for yourself the gates of hope. So, do not kill yourself by despair and concerns, hold firm with hope and trust in Allah, trust your Creator, and do not permit despair to control your life, and let it be known that the darkest hours of the night are those prior to dawn.

The divine wisdom entails that conditions change fast and when a person feels concern, soon relief will come, therefore the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Remember that the Help of Allah is obtained with patience, and relief emerges after distress, prosperity follows adversity, and hardship is followed by ease.”

You have mentioned that you fear death but in the same time, you hate life, so make your only concern is to obtain Allah’s Pleasure and winning Paradise. Moreover, put Allah’s Saying before your eyes: “And whoever is removed away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise, he indeed is successful. The life of this world is only the enjoyment of deception (a deceiving thing).” [Surat Al `Imran: 185]. The world is the farm of the Hereafter, so whoever plants goodness shall get goodness and whoever plants evil shall gain evil.

Check also the following articles: “I hate my life,” “Help me for I hated my life and tried to commit suicide,” “What should I do with my life.”